Fuck You, Bob Rorhman
6:10 PM | 
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HitpasComedy |
Certain injustices are not meant to be suffered by man. For nearly three and a half decades, auto-sales kingpin Bob Rohrman has been using the airwaves to weasel his way into our homes.Rohrman’s baleful car-dealing machine has swallowed cities ranging from Chicago to Fort Wayne Indiana. Bob has a salt-and-pepper mustache, partially covering a smile, which I assume if ever seen, would turn people into stone. My vendetta against Robert Rohrman is not rooted in anything he has done to me personally, and I have no fact sheet about wrongdoings in his life. I base my entire hatred and distrust of the man purely on the reasoning that I think he is full of shit and has a secret agenda to screw over every single one of his customers. I believe he gets a certain satisfaction out of doing this, and I know this because of the feeling I get when I see his face on the TV—the mixed feeling of anxiety and embarrassment that I would imagine you would get right before a colonoscopy. His commercials are tacky, reprehensible and totally unacceptable. I find it impossible to suffer this injustice.
On the Bob Rohrman Auto Group website, one of Bob’s hired grunts wrote an “about us” section. In said section, Bob claims that he started his auto group “on the single proposition that the customer is the most important person at the dealership.” Bullshit. Bob Rohrman cares about his customers about as much as I care about Vera Wang’s new dress line, which I don’t.
Bob’s biography says that he started in a small-time, run-down used car dealership in Lafayette Indiana. But, like most tyrants, Bob’s hunger for power led him to take over a nearby dealership, subsequently leading to his acquisition of dealership after dealership, spreading his auto empire like a plague. After selling his soul to Toyota, Bob made the big-time, and was able to open many more dealerships. Because of this, he was able to afford more and more television spots, which brings me to the crux of my anger.
Some companies add a quick jingle or slogan at the end of their commercials to increase product recall. Usually I don’t mind this—I can handle having the meow mix jingle in my head during class, and I can even tolerate “yo quiero Taco Bell” when I see a Chihuahua, but Bob Rohrman’s commercial is a horse of a different color. A loud, violent, red-eyed horse of a terribly disgusting color.
It starts out innocently enough. I would be coloring in a picture of Donald Duck, or maybe assembling a Lego imperial starship, when the commercial would come on. Bob would flap his jowls about whatever new piece of shit car they started selling, and if he was feeling particularly deceitful, he would throw in a quick bit of propaganda about customer satisfaction. It was about this point, when the commercial was coming to an end, where I started to have a problem. Bob is replaced by a blank screen with the Chicago skyline drawn in the background. Then, an animation of a lion comes on the screen, driving one of Bob’s cars. At first I think, oh neat, a lion. I like lions; they are the kings of the jungle. But this thought is interrupted by the sound of this coward lion screaming “there’s only one, Bob ROOORHMAN” which can only be described as a deafening roar of pain. Upon hearing the stupid pun, my first instinct is to take the colored pencil I was just using on Donald Duck’s bill, and use it to rupture my own eardrums. Realizing that this is a poor idea, I decide instead to try to erase the commercial from my memory, as a form of self-preservation. But Bob had other ideas. Bob wanted to run his commercials during every show that I watched. He was there at four o’clock after school when I would watch Pokémon, he was there at seven when I would watch Friends with my family, and I’ll be dammed if he wasn’t there on Saturday mornings during Scooby-doo.
As I got older, Bob’s commercials got more annoying. I was over cartoons, and on to channels that had a bigger adult demographic, and Bob was there too, and in greater numbers.Bob reached a new low a few years ago, when his advertising Reich came up with a new sound byte for him. The new commercials would have a similar start, showing Bob standing in front of one of his cars. He would open his beak and squawk about one car or another, but then, just when I thought he had reached the bottom of his grab-bag of bullshit, he pulled out the whopper of a line “you owe it to yourself,” insinuating that his cars would be a treat, and that since you work so hard that you deserve to treat yourself to one of his cars, like he’s selling Toyota soft-serve. First of all, we don’t owe anything to ourselves. This idea only furthers the widespread epidemic of American greed ( plagerized from an earlier post) . And second, Bob Rorhman doesn’t give a Christmas shit how hard you work. All he cares about is grabbing the check out of your hands and stuffing it into his fat little pockets. That’s just the kind of person he is.
Ok, so I don’t actually know what Bob is like personally, but I would imagine him to be that guy that goes to parties and tells jokes that aren’t funny, and then everyone stands there uncomfortably because they don’t know how to react, and they want him to leave so they can go back to their conversation, but he keeps standing their smiling, blinded by his own undue sense of accomplishment. Again, that’s just my opinion. Of course, I would be willing to lay down the sword against Bob if he were willing to cut the crap out of his commercials. It would save him money too, because without the bullshit his commercials would probably only be about five or six seconds long.
For those who have not heard of Bob’s auto empire or seen his commercials, don’t think you are safe. Bob’s bend-the-customer-over business strategy and screw-you philosophy will lead him to your neighborhood soon. He might even buy the house next to yours, and I have it on good authority that he doesn’t trim his hedges.
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Reality Television
I don’t even know where to begin on this one. I used to watch some of these shows when I was younger, and I can’t imagine a less appropriate term to describe them than reality. It seems to me that after a long day dealing with stress and drama, the last thing a person would want to do is sit down to watch other peoples’ problems. I don’t know, maybe it offers some kind of relief that Paris Hilton couldn’t find a cute outfit for her dog either. My biggest problem with these shows it that a good majority of them glamorize very undesirable traits. The average reality show follows a famous person or family as they go about their day-to-day activities. Most of the ratings come from scenes were people are especially nasty or cruel to one another. I mentioned Paris Hilton before because she is one of the biggest culprits. She is famous for being a shallow, vapid individual whose pampered life has seen no disappointment save for when she reaches the bottom of a bottle of José Cuervo. She’s an oversized ego walking around in an undersized holocaust-skinny body who has the gall to star in shows called my new bff (apparently she can’t find friends in the real world) and the Simple Life, where she bitches and moans about doing work that millions of people already do for a living.
Of course, the worst of these so-called shows are the dating ones. I’m not talking about The Bachelor. I’m talking about shows like Rock of Love, or A Shot at Love, or Flavor of Love. What exactly is the flavor of love? In flava-flav’s case it’s probably a mixture of stripper’s perfume and penicillin.
Only an idiot would believe that these shows are unscripted and that these people actually fall in love. And again, it begs the question, who.gives.a.fuck. Tila Tequilla could blow a horse and I still wouldn’t watch it because she is a talentless media-whore. Much like every other person who has ever been in a reality show. This fad has gone way too far. I can honestly say that I’d rather watch two girls one cup for an hour than anything on MTV or VH1. All these shows do is glamorize fighting and drama. Some of them don’t even have a point or a plot, like the Real Housewives series. What in the name of King Arthur is that show about? If I wanted to watch a bunch of women squeal about their lives I would watch the View.
The real weakest links here are the writers that invent these awful programs. It makes me wish that I had put more effort into inventing a time machine, so I could go back in time and personally abort each one of them. One final comment: cooking, is not dramatic television. All these cooking competition shows can take their kitchen, and go back down to hell. Then at least there will be some reality in the title Hell’s Kitchen.
Fuck, television is depressing.
Math
Fuck math. Any math beyond pre-algebra is unnecessary unless you’re going to be an engineer or a virgin for the rest of your life. If math is the universal language, then I envy Hellen Keller.
Facebook and Myspace ( I think only used by by prostitutes and child molesters now)
Given the content of this one, I'd like everyone to suspend their disbelief and just ignore the fact that this is hypocritical. So i guess in this case I am making fun of myself a bit too.
Let me just start by asking a question. If the answer is yes, just nod your head. I know, I won’t be able to see it but we’ll go by the honor rule. If you are in high school or college, everyone you know has a Facebook. You should all be nodding. If you are a young adult in your twenties, most of the people you know have a Facebook. Still should be nodding. If you are forty or over and you have a Facebook you are an unwelcomed creep and should never have made a Facebook in the first place because you are way too old. You probably aren’t even reading this if you are over forty but hey, on the off chance you navigated to this site by mistake or your kid left this page up I’ll say this anyway: If you are over forty and have a Facebook you must delete it immediately because it is a young man’s game. Old people on Facebook are fucking weird. And speaking of weird, what is with that little hand icon that’s next to everything. You know the one you can click to say you like something. That is creepy as hell. Your friend’s second cousin updates her status saying she’s listening to Nickleback, and here you come creeping along: I like that. Click. How is she supposed to respond to that. Oh, this guy I met one time and can hardly fucking remember likes that I am listening to Nickleback. Wonderful. I just think that’s creepy. At least put forth the energy to send her a message saying you like it. How lazy are we as a people when we show our appreciation through the click of a mouse.
On a much sadder and more rhetorical note, what has happened to facebook? When facebook started, it was just your picture and the wall. It was so simple, and useful too. You could see the other person’s picture and send them a friendly greeting or message, and they would get back to you. It was new and exciting and everyone was happy. Then, the facebook creators discovered that they liked money. In fact, they liked money so much, that they sold out to advertisers, and programmers who make facebook applications, or anyone else who wanted to stick their dirty finger in the facebook pie ( In this metaphor, facebook is a sweet desert. Probably pumpkin but it doesn’t really matter). The bumper sticker was the end result of the additions. This stupid, misguided attempt at user individuality stained facebook with millions upon millions of idiotic cultural pieces of flair that people put up on their page to express themselves. They were almost always tacky and made me feel like I was in a constant state of hearing the punch-line of an awful joke.
And fuck farmville.
As bad as bumper stickers are, the worst, the absolute worst thing that ruined facebook, has been the increasing popularity of facebook statuses. It used to be that the status option was limited to a few choices—all having to do with location. Either you were at school, work, the library, a party or some other location. Its only point was to tell people where you were at any given moment. Kind of creepy, but at least it was simple. That’s my buzz word folks: simplicity. Today, people use status for information that nobody should care about. For example, I don’t need to know that your feet hurt today after wearing heels last night. I don’t care. I’ll never care. Also, I don’t want to read about how in love these guys are with their girlfriends. That sappy love stuff should not be posted online. They’re probably just happy that someone found it reasonable to date them. It’s disgusting, I hate you and your girlfriend, I hope she dumps you and fucks Tom from Myspace.
The Masochistic Willingness to Give in to Advertisements and Believe the Lifestyles and Attitudes They Project are Actually Realistic.
I make fun of the commercials I see on a daily basis. Knowing that the ideals advertisers preach are ridiculous and ineffective is one of the few pleasures I have in this world. So it's easy to imagine how much it breaks my balls to hear friends and acquaintances spew commercial jargon back at me during conversation. First off, I don't understand this whole “on-the-go" lifestyle that everyone is apparently living. Do we really need things like yogurt in a squeeze bottle or can we just sit down and take the one and a half minutes it takes to eat a yogurt? Some things are just not made to be done on-the-go. For example, If you need to carry your dog around in a little tote bag with little doggie bowls so you can feed him while you’re out and about, you need to plan your day better. Your dog is not a possession or a fashion accessory. Leave your dog at home, or I will take his adorable face and crush it over your head.
Energy Supplement Dependency
Somewhere along the way, people have allowed themselves to believe that they need unnatural stimulants to complete routine tasks. These stimulants I refer to can be as innocent as coffee or as eyebrow-raising as aderol and ridilin. I don’t understand this. People have been getting on just fine without these stimulants since, I don’t know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Who knows, maybe even before the beginning of time. The point is, we, as functioning humans—biologically intact, hormonally regular, process food and water to create our own energy. We have been duped by the media into thinking that our bodies are insufficient and that we need a boost. And bless their hearts each company accomplishes this in their own way. Five Hour Energy, arguably having the most respectable commercial and the company I detest the least, markets their product with a simple claim: it gives you hours of smooth energy without the crash. I’m surprisingly okay with that. There’s no bullshit. I don’t agree with the product of find it to be necessary, but I’m ok with the commercial. And as you know by now, I need to sign off on something before it’s ok, because I am extremely pretentious. But if you read the title then you already knew that.
It’s the other companies that I don’t like, such as Rockstar, Monster and Vault. I’m not even entirely sure what some of these companies are going for. Rockstar I kind of understand, but am I supposed to believe that drinking an energy drink will turn me into some sort of monster? Is it the Incredible Hulk in a can now? Are they putting pcp in their drinks, or am I missing the big picture here? And if I drink Vault is it supposed to vault me into the air with sheer energy. That sounds dangerous.
Red Bull is perhaps the oldest or at least most famous energy drink. I liked red bull for one reason, and one reason only: it tasted like shit. That’s all. Other drinks, they try to trick you into thinking it tastes good, or they’ll mix it with soda or fruity flavors. Not Red Bull. Red Bull appeared on the market and said, hey, I taste like shit, but I’ll give you a buzz. At least it was an honest product. The bottom line is, we do not need these products. Unless we have to put up with that asshole Bob Rohrman. Then I might need one just to keep my heart beating.
A Short Bit on Modern Etiquette.
Throughout my travels and research I’ve noticed several mannerisms that people have which need to be re-thought or gotten rid of. A lot of interpersonal interaction suffers do to a combination of awkwardness, ignorance, or rudeness. I’ve taken it upon myself to write a short list of anti-commandments about these things I’ve seen, so that they may present themselves as what they really are: poor manners.
1. When you see someone you know walking towards you, you must wait until you are ten feet or less apart before acknowledging them; addressing them by one of the following: Hey, What's up?, 'Sup?, How's it going?, A choked out "hey" coupled with a smile, a curt smile, or a head nod.
2. When someone comes up behind you and says excuse me, you must respond with "I'm sorry" as if it is your fault and you were blocking their way on purpose.
3. When two strangers happen to be walking next to each other in a common direction, one of them must either speed up or slow down.
4. When boarding a public bus or train, it's important to ask permission before sitting next to a stranger, because they often own the seats adjacent to them.
5. When choosing a seat in a large room or lecture hall, it is customary to leave a buffer of one seat between strangers and yourself. People find it odd when people sit next to them.
6. If you find yourself in an elevator with a stranger, your eyes must be focused on the ground or fixed on an object with print, intently studying it. There is to be no talking initiated.
7. When in a social situation with a new acquaintance, conversation must be maintained at all times in order to create the illusion of comfort. Conversation topics may not stay too far from the following: city of residence, favorite (insert something), what they did today/have been up to, or their opinion on the social situation you are in (i.e. how their food was, how they liked the movie, etc). A good standby when no topic of conversation comes to mind is to simply yawn and proclaim that you are “so tired.” The other person will usually agree or question you further, thus establishing a connection.
8. When walking by or near an acquaintance with whom you have not spoken for some time, it is not necessary to acknowledge their presence. Wait and see if they acknowledge you first, then follow rule #1 above.
9. When leaving the private sanctum of your home, it is necessary to have at least one other person with you, so that strangers do not assume that you have no friends.
10. ( For guys only) If another male challenges your reputation or masculinity by calling you a "fag" or "pussy", you must immediately respond with violence in a macho, showy way.
11. (For girls only) If you have a problem with another female who is in your group of friends, under no circumstances may you make this apparent in any way. You must fake kindness when this person is around, while keeping up a steady barrage of insults and back-stabbing when she is gone.
12. When another person makes a common mistake or blunder, it's important to ridicule them roundly in order to take any focus off of your own shortcomings.
13. If a stranger falls or drops their belongings in public, the appropriate response is to walk by them, eyes averted, pretending that you didn't see. Make no attempt to assist them.
14. Every citizen has the basic right to their seat on a bus. You should not feel obligated or pressured to relinquish your chair to an elderly person or woman with child. They can stand like the rest of us.
15. If you want to talk to a new acquaintance, you should send them a series of text messages first, as phone calls are way too invasive.
16. When there are five minutes left in class, you should begin packing your belongings in a boisterous and disruptive manner. This will signal to the instructor that she needs to wrap it up.
It’s stupid but a lot of people in this country do adhere to these rules, especially in this younger generation. It’s a simple negative correlation. As the generations move forward, manners and etiquette move backwards into an introverted rude mess that borders on barbarism. Next time you find yourself in a social situation, think of how ridiculous those rules seem, and try to stray away from the ordinary. Say hello to a stranger or offer to do something nice for somebody without expecting anything in return. I’m serious do it.
For some reason people feel that the need to behave according to some invisible tablet of commandments that society and the media have placed before them. There’s no reason for this. There’s no rhyme, either, to be poetic. Call me old-fashioned (several thousand years old-fashioned), but I think that we as a people need to start listening to our first impulses and start acting instinctually. Furthermore, I think that when you find yourself in an everyday or mundane situation, that you should do the most interesting thing you can think of. You’ll delight in other’s reactions, which will increase the quality and duration of your life.
