I Can't Be a Narcissist Because I Have No Flaws

I chose the title for this chapter from a shopping excursion I was on. I was looking for a funny book to give my brother, and I stumbled upon one of those books, For Dummies, you know with the yellow heading and the goofy cartoon guy on front with the googley eyes. The book I picked up was something innocent enough, Investing for Dummies or something like that. But when I put it down, I noticed an entire rack of books. Shelves upon shelves of instructions for dummies. For dummies! They had everything from acrylic painting for dummies to Neuro-Linguistic Programing for Dummies. I mean come on, neuro-lingustic programming? Really? This might be a good time to add that on the cover of some of these books, they have the gall to write in red letters: “Knowledge, for the rest of us.”

Ok, I can understand how that would apply for a book like basic arithmetic for dummies. But who the fuck, decided that neuro-lingusitc programming was a skill that needed to be taught to dummies? Most people I know don’t have any idea what neuro-lingusitc programming is, let alone how to do it, so where does this “rest of us” come in. Nobody understands this shit. We don’t need a version for morons. Stupid people shouldn’t even be attempting this kind of stuff. They should be at home, playing with their erector set.

That’s just one example. I swear they had a book for every activity imaginable. I’m surprised they didn’t have one called reading for dummies. I wouldn’t put it past them to publish something like that. Would you? Go down to a major bookstore if you have time. Take a look at the For Dummies section, I promise you will have a good laugh. Just don’t forget to bring your copy of sense of humor for dummies.

I was watching TV the other day, (Thursday April 2^nd 2010 if you were wondering) and I kept seeing these goddamn commercials for Mediacom. Every commercial has a couple or a young adult talking on the phone with a huge grin on their face like they are just thrilled to be talking on their phone because of the clear quality of the sound and the good rate they are getting. And it doesn’t stop there. I’m sure you can think of a commercial or two where people are smiling in situations that really don’t call for it. Maybe they just got new tile installed or got a new couch. Do you notice how happy they are sitting on a couch? Why are they so happy? Did she just blow him? Count the number of times you’ve smiled simply because you were sitting on a couch. You can’t. They’d lock you up for shit like that. Yes I understand the notion that smiles cause the product to be thought of favorably good product recall name recognition blah blah blah. I have taken a marketing class or two and for the most part I understand why companies make the choices they do. I’m just suggesting a little change to make this more realistic. I can accept a person flashing a quick smile when sitting on a new sofa. But to be smiling broadly the entire time, well my brain can’t accept that.

Another marketing strategy that I find hilarious and can’t imagine how they pitch these at their meetings, are the ones where they show someone performing an activity that just is not working, and then the product comes to save the day. You usually see these with cleaning products. They have that guy come in with the cheesy voice. “Are you tired of scrubbing the shit out of your toilet on your hands and knees and only getting some of the shit? Well no longer! Use our extendable shit cleaner to clean your shit.”

First of all, the people are completely incompetent at cleaning. It’s not because they are using a faulty product. Their problem is they are trying to clean something with a paper towel that greatly exceeds the functionality of a paper towel. They don’t need a stronger paper towel, they need a mop or a wetvac. Either that or they take a problem that really isn’t that bad and make it into a huge deal. “Tired of bending over when you drop things and hurting your back? Well just buy this reaching stick and you’ll never have to be active again.” It’s like people haven’t been bending over for things since the beginning of time. It’s just a recent thing where bending may occasionally cause back pain. Do they expect everyone to stop using their body and become dependent on machines, like we can’t bend three inches to get our keys? Get the fuck out of here. I’m going to bend over as long as I can, and not so advertisers can stick their messages and products into my ass either, but because I hate these products and they are a cancer on our dignities. And by the way, how hard is it to take a blanket off if you need to do something. Do we really need the Snuggie? It’s pathetic, if you’re that cold wear some more clothing, don’t go buy a sleeping bag with arm holes.

Another thing I didn’t get consulted about was this new-age (or nu-age) language that people are using in advertisements. Since when did it become trendy to shorten words? Do companies really believe that they will drum up more business with a facility called U-Stor it? Do they think they are being clever, spelling the words wrong? There are millions of examples of this. . Like Cash-4-Gold. I’m sorry but if I’m going to sell my expensive gold to someone, I don’t want to sell it to the trendy guy. I want someone professional who has knowledge about the difference between letters and numbers. It’s bad enough when people talk like this on AIM or in emails, but there is no place for this in the real world. When I was driving home a few weeks ago I saw a truck for a company called Kwik Delivery. I could not for the life of me understand the appeal of writing like this. Because you know there are some stupid kids out there who are just learning to read and spell, and they’re going to see this, and think that that is how it’s spelled. Don’t people see that this supposedly clever scheme is going to be the undoing of our intelligence? To paraphrase the late genius George Carlin, dumb language leads to dumb thoughts leads to dumb people. God knows we have enough. And one more thing on words. Ginormous, Guestimate and Irregardles are not words. The next person who describes something as Ginormous is getting their tongue cut off.