I Can't Be a Narcissist Because I Have No Flaws

Somewhere along the way, people have allowed themselves to believe that they need unnatural stimulants to complete routine tasks. These stimulants I refer to can be as innocent as coffee or as eyebrow-raising as aderol and ridilin. I don’t understand this. People have been getting on just fine without these stimulants since, I don’t know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Who knows, maybe even before the beginning of time. The point is, we, as functioning humans—biologically intact, hormonally regular, process food and water to create our own energy. We have been duped by the media into thinking that our bodies are insufficient and that we need a boost. And bless their hearts each company accomplishes this in their own way. Five Hour Energy, arguably having the most respectable commercial and the company I detest the least, markets their product with a simple claim: it gives you hours of smooth energy without the crash. I’m surprisingly okay with that. There’s no bullshit. I don’t agree with the product of find it to be necessary, but I’m ok with the commercial. And as you know by now, I need to sign off on something before it’s ok, because I am extremely pretentious. But if you read the title then you already knew that.

It’s the other companies that I don’t like, such as Rockstar, Monster and Vault. I’m not even entirely sure what some of these companies are going for. Rockstar I kind of understand, but am I supposed to believe that drinking an energy drink will turn me into some sort of monster? Is it the Incredible Hulk in a can now? Are they putting pcp in their drinks, or am I missing the big picture here? And if I drink Vault is it supposed to vault me into the air with sheer energy. That sounds dangerous.

Red Bull is perhaps the oldest or at least most famous energy drink. I liked red bull for one reason, and one reason only: it tasted like shit. That’s all. Other drinks, they try to trick you into thinking it tastes good, or they’ll mix it with soda or fruity flavors. Not Red Bull. Red Bull appeared on the market and said, hey, I taste like shit, but I’ll give you a buzz. At least it was an honest product. The bottom line is, we do not need these products. Unless we have to put up with that asshole Bob Rohrman. Then I might need one just to keep my heart beating.

Throughout my travels and research I’ve noticed several mannerisms that people have which need to be re-thought or gotten rid of. A lot of interpersonal interaction suffers do to a combination of awkwardness, ignorance, or rudeness. I’ve taken it upon myself to write a short list of anti-commandments about these things I’ve seen, so that they may present themselves as what they really are: poor manners.

1. When you see someone you know walking towards you, you must wait until you are ten feet or less apart before acknowledging them; addressing them by one of the following: Hey, What's up?, 'Sup?, How's it going?, A choked out "hey" coupled with a smile, a curt smile, or a head nod.

2. When someone comes up behind you and says excuse me, you must respond with "I'm sorry" as if it is your fault and you were blocking their way on purpose.

3. When two strangers happen to be walking next to each other in a common direction, one of them must either speed up or slow down.

4. When boarding a public bus or train, it's important to ask permission before sitting next to a stranger, because they often own the seats adjacent to them.

5. When choosing a seat in a large room or lecture hall, it is customary to leave a buffer of one seat between strangers and yourself. People find it odd when people sit next to them.

6. If you find yourself in an elevator with a stranger, your eyes must be focused on the ground or fixed on an object with print, intently studying it. There is to be no talking initiated.

7. When in a social situation with a new acquaintance, conversation must be maintained at all times in order to create the illusion of comfort. Conversation topics may not stay too far from the following: city of residence, favorite (insert something), what they did today/have been up to, or their opinion on the social situation you are in (i.e. how their food was, how they liked the movie, etc). A good standby when no topic of conversation comes to mind is to simply yawn and proclaim that you are “so tired.” The other person will usually agree or question you further, thus establishing a connection.

8. When walking by or near an acquaintance with whom you have not spoken for some time, it is not necessary to acknowledge their presence. Wait and see if they acknowledge you first, then follow rule #1 above.

9. When leaving the private sanctum of your home, it is necessary to have at least one other person with you, so that strangers do not assume that you have no friends.

10. ( For guys only) If another male challenges your reputation or masculinity by calling you a "fag" or "pussy", you must immediately respond with violence in a macho, showy way.

11. (For girls only) If you have a problem with another female who is in your group of friends, under no circumstances may you make this apparent in any way. You must fake kindness when this person is around, while keeping up a steady barrage of insults and back-stabbing when she is gone.

12. When another person makes a common mistake or blunder, it's important to ridicule them roundly in order to take any focus off of your own shortcomings.

13. If a stranger falls or drops their belongings in public, the appropriate response is to walk by them, eyes averted, pretending that you didn't see. Make no attempt to assist them.

14. Every citizen has the basic right to their seat on a bus. You should not feel obligated or pressured to relinquish your chair to an elderly person or woman with child. They can stand like the rest of us.

15. If you want to talk to a new acquaintance, you should send them a series of text messages first, as phone calls are way too invasive.

16. When there are five minutes left in class, you should begin packing your belongings in a boisterous and disruptive manner. This will signal to the instructor that she needs to wrap it up.

It’s stupid but a lot of people in this country do adhere to these rules, especially in this younger generation. It’s a simple negative correlation. As the generations move forward, manners and etiquette move backwards into an introverted rude mess that borders on barbarism. Next time you find yourself in a social situation, think of how ridiculous those rules seem, and try to stray away from the ordinary. Say hello to a stranger or offer to do something nice for somebody without expecting anything in return. I’m serious do it.

For some reason people feel that the need to behave according to some invisible tablet of commandments that society and the media have placed before them. There’s no reason for this. There’s no rhyme, either, to be poetic. Call me old-fashioned (several thousand years old-fashioned), but I think that we as a people need to start listening to our first impulses and start acting instinctually. Furthermore, I think that when you find yourself in an everyday or mundane situation, that you should do the most interesting thing you can think of. You’ll delight in other’s reactions, which will increase the quality and duration of your life.

I chose the title for this chapter from a shopping excursion I was on. I was looking for a funny book to give my brother, and I stumbled upon one of those books, For Dummies, you know with the yellow heading and the goofy cartoon guy on front with the googley eyes. The book I picked up was something innocent enough, Investing for Dummies or something like that. But when I put it down, I noticed an entire rack of books. Shelves upon shelves of instructions for dummies. For dummies! They had everything from acrylic painting for dummies to Neuro-Linguistic Programing for Dummies. I mean come on, neuro-lingustic programming? Really? This might be a good time to add that on the cover of some of these books, they have the gall to write in red letters: “Knowledge, for the rest of us.”

Ok, I can understand how that would apply for a book like basic arithmetic for dummies. But who the fuck, decided that neuro-lingusitc programming was a skill that needed to be taught to dummies? Most people I know don’t have any idea what neuro-lingusitc programming is, let alone how to do it, so where does this “rest of us” come in. Nobody understands this shit. We don’t need a version for morons. Stupid people shouldn’t even be attempting this kind of stuff. They should be at home, playing with their erector set.

That’s just one example. I swear they had a book for every activity imaginable. I’m surprised they didn’t have one called reading for dummies. I wouldn’t put it past them to publish something like that. Would you? Go down to a major bookstore if you have time. Take a look at the For Dummies section, I promise you will have a good laugh. Just don’t forget to bring your copy of sense of humor for dummies.

I was watching TV the other day, (Thursday April 2^nd 2010 if you were wondering) and I kept seeing these goddamn commercials for Mediacom. Every commercial has a couple or a young adult talking on the phone with a huge grin on their face like they are just thrilled to be talking on their phone because of the clear quality of the sound and the good rate they are getting. And it doesn’t stop there. I’m sure you can think of a commercial or two where people are smiling in situations that really don’t call for it. Maybe they just got new tile installed or got a new couch. Do you notice how happy they are sitting on a couch? Why are they so happy? Did she just blow him? Count the number of times you’ve smiled simply because you were sitting on a couch. You can’t. They’d lock you up for shit like that. Yes I understand the notion that smiles cause the product to be thought of favorably good product recall name recognition blah blah blah. I have taken a marketing class or two and for the most part I understand why companies make the choices they do. I’m just suggesting a little change to make this more realistic. I can accept a person flashing a quick smile when sitting on a new sofa. But to be smiling broadly the entire time, well my brain can’t accept that.

Another marketing strategy that I find hilarious and can’t imagine how they pitch these at their meetings, are the ones where they show someone performing an activity that just is not working, and then the product comes to save the day. You usually see these with cleaning products. They have that guy come in with the cheesy voice. “Are you tired of scrubbing the shit out of your toilet on your hands and knees and only getting some of the shit? Well no longer! Use our extendable shit cleaner to clean your shit.”

First of all, the people are completely incompetent at cleaning. It’s not because they are using a faulty product. Their problem is they are trying to clean something with a paper towel that greatly exceeds the functionality of a paper towel. They don’t need a stronger paper towel, they need a mop or a wetvac. Either that or they take a problem that really isn’t that bad and make it into a huge deal. “Tired of bending over when you drop things and hurting your back? Well just buy this reaching stick and you’ll never have to be active again.” It’s like people haven’t been bending over for things since the beginning of time. It’s just a recent thing where bending may occasionally cause back pain. Do they expect everyone to stop using their body and become dependent on machines, like we can’t bend three inches to get our keys? Get the fuck out of here. I’m going to bend over as long as I can, and not so advertisers can stick their messages and products into my ass either, but because I hate these products and they are a cancer on our dignities. And by the way, how hard is it to take a blanket off if you need to do something. Do we really need the Snuggie? It’s pathetic, if you’re that cold wear some more clothing, don’t go buy a sleeping bag with arm holes.

Another thing I didn’t get consulted about was this new-age (or nu-age) language that people are using in advertisements. Since when did it become trendy to shorten words? Do companies really believe that they will drum up more business with a facility called U-Stor it? Do they think they are being clever, spelling the words wrong? There are millions of examples of this. . Like Cash-4-Gold. I’m sorry but if I’m going to sell my expensive gold to someone, I don’t want to sell it to the trendy guy. I want someone professional who has knowledge about the difference between letters and numbers. It’s bad enough when people talk like this on AIM or in emails, but there is no place for this in the real world. When I was driving home a few weeks ago I saw a truck for a company called Kwik Delivery. I could not for the life of me understand the appeal of writing like this. Because you know there are some stupid kids out there who are just learning to read and spell, and they’re going to see this, and think that that is how it’s spelled. Don’t people see that this supposedly clever scheme is going to be the undoing of our intelligence? To paraphrase the late genius George Carlin, dumb language leads to dumb thoughts leads to dumb people. God knows we have enough. And one more thing on words. Ginormous, Guestimate and Irregardles are not words. The next person who describes something as Ginormous is getting their tongue cut off.