I Can't Be a Narcissist Because I Have No Flaws

Somewhere along the way, people have allowed themselves to believe that they need unnatural stimulants to complete routine tasks. These stimulants I refer to can be as innocent as coffee or as eyebrow-raising as aderol and ridilin. I don’t understand this. People have been getting on just fine without these stimulants since, I don’t know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Who knows, maybe even before the beginning of time. The point is, we, as functioning humans—biologically intact, hormonally regular, process food and water to create our own energy. We have been duped by the media into thinking that our bodies are insufficient and that we need a boost. And bless their hearts each company accomplishes this in their own way. Five Hour Energy, arguably having the most respectable commercial and the company I detest the least, markets their product with a simple claim: it gives you hours of smooth energy without the crash. I’m surprisingly okay with that. There’s no bullshit. I don’t agree with the product of find it to be necessary, but I’m ok with the commercial. And as you know by now, I need to sign off on something before it’s ok, because I am extremely pretentious. But if you read the title then you already knew that.

It’s the other companies that I don’t like, such as Rockstar, Monster and Vault. I’m not even entirely sure what some of these companies are going for. Rockstar I kind of understand, but am I supposed to believe that drinking an energy drink will turn me into some sort of monster? Is it the Incredible Hulk in a can now? Are they putting pcp in their drinks, or am I missing the big picture here? And if I drink Vault is it supposed to vault me into the air with sheer energy. That sounds dangerous.

Red Bull is perhaps the oldest or at least most famous energy drink. I liked red bull for one reason, and one reason only: it tasted like shit. That’s all. Other drinks, they try to trick you into thinking it tastes good, or they’ll mix it with soda or fruity flavors. Not Red Bull. Red Bull appeared on the market and said, hey, I taste like shit, but I’ll give you a buzz. At least it was an honest product. The bottom line is, we do not need these products. Unless we have to put up with that asshole Bob Rohrman. Then I might need one just to keep my heart beating.