I Can't Be a Narcissist Because I Have No Flaws

Throughout my travels and research I’ve noticed several mannerisms that people have which need to be re-thought or gotten rid of. A lot of interpersonal interaction suffers do to a combination of awkwardness, ignorance, or rudeness. I’ve taken it upon myself to write a short list of anti-commandments about these things I’ve seen, so that they may present themselves as what they really are: poor manners.

1. When you see someone you know walking towards you, you must wait until you are ten feet or less apart before acknowledging them; addressing them by one of the following: Hey, What's up?, 'Sup?, How's it going?, A choked out "hey" coupled with a smile, a curt smile, or a head nod.

2. When someone comes up behind you and says excuse me, you must respond with "I'm sorry" as if it is your fault and you were blocking their way on purpose.

3. When two strangers happen to be walking next to each other in a common direction, one of them must either speed up or slow down.

4. When boarding a public bus or train, it's important to ask permission before sitting next to a stranger, because they often own the seats adjacent to them.

5. When choosing a seat in a large room or lecture hall, it is customary to leave a buffer of one seat between strangers and yourself. People find it odd when people sit next to them.

6. If you find yourself in an elevator with a stranger, your eyes must be focused on the ground or fixed on an object with print, intently studying it. There is to be no talking initiated.

7. When in a social situation with a new acquaintance, conversation must be maintained at all times in order to create the illusion of comfort. Conversation topics may not stay too far from the following: city of residence, favorite (insert something), what they did today/have been up to, or their opinion on the social situation you are in (i.e. how their food was, how they liked the movie, etc). A good standby when no topic of conversation comes to mind is to simply yawn and proclaim that you are “so tired.” The other person will usually agree or question you further, thus establishing a connection.

8. When walking by or near an acquaintance with whom you have not spoken for some time, it is not necessary to acknowledge their presence. Wait and see if they acknowledge you first, then follow rule #1 above.

9. When leaving the private sanctum of your home, it is necessary to have at least one other person with you, so that strangers do not assume that you have no friends.

10. ( For guys only) If another male challenges your reputation or masculinity by calling you a "fag" or "pussy", you must immediately respond with violence in a macho, showy way.

11. (For girls only) If you have a problem with another female who is in your group of friends, under no circumstances may you make this apparent in any way. You must fake kindness when this person is around, while keeping up a steady barrage of insults and back-stabbing when she is gone.

12. When another person makes a common mistake or blunder, it's important to ridicule them roundly in order to take any focus off of your own shortcomings.

13. If a stranger falls or drops their belongings in public, the appropriate response is to walk by them, eyes averted, pretending that you didn't see. Make no attempt to assist them.

14. Every citizen has the basic right to their seat on a bus. You should not feel obligated or pressured to relinquish your chair to an elderly person or woman with child. They can stand like the rest of us.

15. If you want to talk to a new acquaintance, you should send them a series of text messages first, as phone calls are way too invasive.

16. When there are five minutes left in class, you should begin packing your belongings in a boisterous and disruptive manner. This will signal to the instructor that she needs to wrap it up.

It’s stupid but a lot of people in this country do adhere to these rules, especially in this younger generation. It’s a simple negative correlation. As the generations move forward, manners and etiquette move backwards into an introverted rude mess that borders on barbarism. Next time you find yourself in a social situation, think of how ridiculous those rules seem, and try to stray away from the ordinary. Say hello to a stranger or offer to do something nice for somebody without expecting anything in return. I’m serious do it.

For some reason people feel that the need to behave according to some invisible tablet of commandments that society and the media have placed before them. There’s no reason for this. There’s no rhyme, either, to be poetic. Call me old-fashioned (several thousand years old-fashioned), but I think that we as a people need to start listening to our first impulses and start acting instinctually. Furthermore, I think that when you find yourself in an everyday or mundane situation, that you should do the most interesting thing you can think of. You’ll delight in other’s reactions, which will increase the quality and duration of your life.